Grace

There have been times when I have really struggled with being a mother. Most of these have passed as I have gotten used to the whole thing and as difficult stages ended. But tantrums and bad behaviour are an ongoing problem for me.

A couple of weeks ago, Téo, Lukan, and I had a horrible afternoon. We had gotten home late for the afternoon nap, and then both boys only slept for a short time. They both woke cranky and then screamed pretty much continuously until they went back to bed for the night.

Lukan I could handle, but Téo was something else. He defied me constantly, did things he knew he shouldn't, and escalated everything into a full-blown tantrum.

For example, I decided to give the boys a bath as this usually does wonders to improve moods. But Téo kept tipping water over Lukan's head, which made Lukan cry. After 2 warnings, I took the cup away from Téo, who screamed and screamed - and I mean piercing, piercing screaming - and then wailed I want the cup back! Otherwise I'm going to open the plug! I just shrugged and got a screaming Lukan dried and dressed, but then when all the water was gone, it was Waaaaaahhhh! All the water is gone! GIVE ME SOME MORE NOWWWWW! I would have laughed if my head wasn't clanging so much from all the screaming.

It was like that the whole afternoon and evening. It wasn't just that he was doing things he shouldn't, he was doing them expressly to annoy me. And like a good robot, I responded as expected to his button pushing. We were caught in a nasty looping program of misbehaviour - time out/toy removal - very loud tantrum that just played over and over and over.

Only it wasn’t a simple repeat. With each loop, my patience decreased and my crankiness increased. So it was more like misbehaviour - time out/toy removal - very loud tantrum - yelling from me, with an increase in volume from both of us with each loop. By the end of the evening I was ready to smack him, I was that cranky and fed up. And thinking that this really wasn't what I had thought having kids would be like.

This was a particularly bad afternoon, the worst ever in fact. Most of the time he's lovely and funny, and if there is a tantrum, it's over quickly.

But even so, too often after a more major incident I have found myself unable or unwilling to give up the fight even once it’s over and I’ve won. I don’t feel like laughing with him afterwards, or I begrudge reading him a book, or worse, I remind him of his earlier bad behaviour.

I don’t think I’m deluding myself to think that “impatient”, “easily annoyed”, “prone to yelling”, “petty” and “seriously considers whacking small children to get her own way” are the kinds of terms you would use to describe me. But this is me at my worst with my son.

I am nearly crying writing this. It is incomprehensible to me, now, how I can behave like this with Téo - my child who I love, a 3 year old for god’s sake who I know disintegrates when tired - but give other people way more leeway for far worse behaviour.

So this is my struggle: how to behave with good grace in the face of tantrums and bad behaviour, no matter how tired or annoyed I am.

I do manage it sometimes. Maybe even mostly, most of the time. But not always. And when I fail, it shakes me. I don’t like myself.

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Since writing this last night, I have thought and thought about whether I really want to post it. And obviously I decided I do. One reason is to show some of my friends here that parenting doesn’t come as easily to me as I think they think. Another is the hope that admitting to my worst will drive me even more to change my behaviour.

The afternoon I described really was a shocker, and hit me at the end of a week where I wasn't sleeping well. But being tired is not a good enough excuse. I need to figure out how to handle being tired better, so that I am not begrudging and petty and snappy if things don't go easily for me. I manage it with everyone else, so surely I can do it with my kids!