So on Sunday night I was on a plane, a dinner-time flight, and all we were given to eat was a very small packet of very small biscuits.
Actually, let me just step backwards for a minute, to checking in. I would have been able to do it with the check-in machine, you see, only I didn't have the ticket number so I had to go to the check-in counter. Where my carry-on luggage was weighed, and a fuss made that it was too heavy. Even though I had no hold luggage. Even though, had I checked in with the machine, no one would even have known how much it weighed.
It's a very small plane, madame. The limit is 8kg, but exceptionally - and oh how in French this word makes me seethe; flung at you, icily, haughtily, with the clear implication you should drop to the floor in undying gratitude for the exceedingly rare privilege you're about to be granted - I'll let you take on your 10kg bag.
And then the plane was less than half full.
And while we're on the subject of rude airline employees, why are they so incredibly rude? I mean, it wasn't like I was flying Easyjet, where you don't expect any service, I was flying a regular airline that you'd think might want to differentiate itself from the low-cost ones.
And even Easyjet, the chief cabin captain, or whatever they're called, orders you to show some respect to the flight attendants and stop reading or whatever and listen to the safety spiel, even if you fly regularly because all planes are different, when honestly, I'm fairly sure I've got a good idea of seat belts, life jackets, oxygen masks, and basic plane layout by now. But they demand you show respect to them for a useless talk about nothing that is really very likely to save your life... while all the time the company routinely delays and even cancels flights and the very distinct impression you have from every interaction is that you deserve no respect whatsoever.
And while we're on safety, let me just point out, although I know you already know, how stupid the whole 100ml limit on liquids is. Because surely, if I were so inclined, I could put 100ml of flammable liquids into 10 different bottles, matches up my vag, get through security, buy myself a bottle of wine or two in duty free, empty them on the plane and then fill them with my 1l of flammable liquids to make (I imagine) not-too-bad Molotov cocktails?
And I'm sure I could get even more onto the plane, because more than once I have had an entire bottle of water go through security undetected. In fact, I make a point now of always "forgetting" a bottle of something, and it is never detected. Never. Well, except for when we came back
from the UK, when the 5 ml of my remaining hairspray was found and confiscated because the bottle could hold 120ml instead of only 100ml. And so was clearly Very Dangerous Indeed.
But what I wanted to tell you about was the biscuits. Not even biscuits really, more like small pieces of fried flour. At dinner time. But not getting anything substantial to eat is also not the point.
I wanted to share with you what was written on the packet:
While this packet was packaged with utmost care, we can't guarantee that it does not contain small particles. Please take care.
Now, let's leave aside the idea of a machine - because we all know the packet was not packed by hand - doing anything with utmost care. Precision, accuracy, efficiency, but not care.
It's those small particles.
And not even that they might exist, although honestly if my small pieces of fried flour were more like small crumbs of fried flour, or even completely pulverised, my first thought wouldn't be to blame the machine that packed them.
Those small particles. What exactly did they want me to take care against? Getting crumbs on my fingers? My clothes? Leaving a smattering of them around my mouth, making me look silly?
Or maybe they're worried that people will be so hungry, what with only getting a very small packet of fried flour for dinner, that they'll tip the packet into their mouth, determined to get each and every last small particle, and accidentally breathe in those small particles, and choke?
I mean, honestly.
