Bad love

When I was living in Japan, and before C moved to my town, I fell in love. Even though I had known the guy for a while and hung out with him a bit - even woken up one morning platonically in his bed - the falling was swift and unexpected, catching me by surprise. He was just so cool. He did interesting things. He had interesting opinions. He had written travel articles, and a book. He was cute.

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When I was living in Japan, and before C moved to my town, someone fell in love with me. He was very uncool. He was very unattractive. We had nothing in common. Plus he was 40 years old and a virgin. I was in my 20s and, well, not. I wasn't interested in him at all, not even to be a friend.

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I was in a bad way. I was used to boys liking me more than I liked them, but this time it was the other way around. I wasn't the one in control. I was the one desperate to be liked. And I had no clue what he really thought of me. It was like the ground had been pulled from under me - I was flailing, suddenly unsure of everything. I suspected I was nowhere near cool enough for him, and this took away my sense of worth, my sense of me, my faith in what I believed. Depression, anxiety, and insecurity followed.

Falling in love was not at all pleasant.

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I made it clear to the 40 year old that it was never going to happen. He persisted - for months. He told me I was the one who could make him whole. When I kept refusing to go out with him, he quoted Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, saying he thought I was acting like a man and retreating into a cave. If I didn't answer an email straight away, he accused me of being grumpy. He analysed everything I did and said and threw it back at me. I directly told him that I wasn't interested and that he made me feel uncomfortable. He said I'll wait until you do feel comfortable. He had no pride, and no shame. I grew to intensely dislike him.

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One time during the two weeks we were maybe together, maybe not, I called the guy to ask if he wanted to go on a hike I was going on. He declined and - just like what happens in dumb Hollywood romantic "comedies" - I got off the phone clutching my head and moaning no no no at my stupidity for having asked him along when I knew it wasn't his thing. Now what will he think of me? Did I sound too eager? Too uncool?

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That night I got a postcard from the 40 year old, babble about how he was not a good enough friend for me. It came with two tickets to a concert I didn't want to go to.

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The irony was not lost on me.