Fear

I don't remember if it was my first time, but I think it must have been. Disneyland 1982. Space Mountain, The Matterhorn, and the newly opened Big Thunder. I rode these rollercoasters, and I wanted more.

Mum rode them with us, willingly but maybe not as eagerly. Years later at the Gold Coast's Dreamworld, she admitted to closing her eyes as one of the rollercoasters there looped upsidedown. I remember being incredulous. But mum, that's the best bit!

I'm pretty sure I laughed at her.

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Ever since I turned 30, I have noticed that I am getting more cautious. It's not a conscious decision, it's more like my body baulks at doing what I previously did without a thought. I don't like it. I hate feeling vertigo, or being outright too scared of doing things I once could do.

I also don't like the idea of being a mother who's too scared to either do things with her boys, or else who's saying be careful the whole time.

(I just went looking for a picture of the mountain track where I first felt vertigo, and found the following from 2003:

The second photo makes my skin crawl. I mean, can you SEE where I'm standing??? And I remember slipping here. SLIPPING. Plus this was nothing compared to climbing onto the rocks that made up the summit.)

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When my brother and his family were here, we went to ride the Alpine Coaster, a rollercoaster-like tobogan run on the glacier of Les Diablerets. We'd been there the year before with my aunt, when I was very pregnant, and I was looking forward to finally having a go.

I was scared from the start. There I was in a flimsy sled, on a flimsy track high above nothing, sure that if I took the curves too fast I'd tip myself and Téo out.

I crawled down.

All the time, while hating feeling scared but unable to overcome it, I was thinking Is this it then? The end of riding rollercoasters? The start of my kids laughing at me? Really? So soon?

And then Téo piped up. Mummy, why don't you go as fast as papa?

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I'm sorry for laughing at you mum. I think you were extremely brave to ride the rollercoasters with us over and over if you were scared.

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I almost didn't try again. I almost gave my tickets to the others, figuring they'd be better to use them since they'd enjoy the ride.

I'm so glad I didn't. Because the second time was much better. I felt safer, I went faster. The third time I went faster still. The fourth time I flew.

It was bloody brillant.