Not feeling like such a winner

There was a kid in Téo's class last year who was ... disruptive. He'd push the other kids around, punch them, take their stuff, talk rudely. Nothing the teachers did seemed to work - not time outs, not talkings to, not consequences. Every day there was a new story of what he'd done, the trouble he was in. We'd get frequent updates, in tones of disbelief and awe, of the number of rémarques in his class diary - a negative comment that for most kids, is a source of shame.

There was also quite a bit of talk amongst the mothers about this child. None appreciated how his behavioural issues dominated the class. All agreed something needed to be done. And, either explicitly or implicitly, the blame for this problem child fell mainly on his parents. After all, on the very first day of school his mother had said she hoped her son chose to be good this year, because if he didn't then she didn't know what to do. After hearing that, it's not hard to think that child needs better discipline. Stricter limits. Which means, better parenting. As well as, I would never allow things to go so far.

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So. That cocky little last post. It came back to bite us.

For a good two weeks, Téo was pretty much insufferable. Rude and defiant, constantly mean to his brother, lying to our new au pair about what he was meant to do, sulking his way through homework, English lessons and trumpet practice. Nothing we did worked - not time outs, not talkings to, not consequences. He was in trouble all the time. An accumulation of chores under the new system just added to his resentment and disagreeableness.

It got to the point where he was basically refusing to do anything we asked, and taking a yeah, well what are you gonna do about it attitude when we challenged him. He knew he was being bad, he knew he was choosing to escalate every single interaction to a fight. He said so. Add to this a bad cold, a bout of flu, insomnia, and an away-on-work husband... and yeah, I wasn't coping very well. I did not know what to do with him, how to make him change his behaviour.

Last Sunday we reached the bottom - figuratively and literally. Yep, the option I said was a non-starter, well, we went there.

It was horrible. I was in tears, traumatised from the event and wondering how we were ever going to mend our relationship with our son - the son who we love absolutely and had never, ever wanted to hit.

He was still asleep when we left for work the next morning. The whole day I worried about what he was thinking, how much he hated us. I tried to tell myself that I had been spanked and it hadn't hurt me - but I was still heartbroken that things had gone so far.

So I was apprehensive when I got home that evening - where I was greeted with sunshine and loveliness. Hello mummy, did you have a good day, look what we made!

He didn't hate me!

Later on we had a talk about bad moods. I told him a quote I had just heard, that anger is like picking up a hot coal to throw at someone else. He seemed to get it. I gave him some ideas of what he can do when he's feeling angry or grumpy. I said I was sorry we had ended up in such an awful situation. And I told him the mistakes we make are not so important as what we do afterwards, the effort we make to fix what we have broken.

Later still he gave me a bear hug and said he was sorry for all the bad things he has ever done and he doesn't know why his brain sometimes makes him do the wrong things.

How many ways can this child break my heart?

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Things have been a lot better since then, but not perfect. We've gone through tough times with his behaviour before, and I'm coming to realise it's going to be a long road for him to truly get why he should do the right thing. Which means a long road for us to not only set the limits, but keep him within them. It's hard work sometimes. Really, really hard work that I never expected back when we thought we'd like to try for a baby.

And the thing is, he's actually not such a bad child. He behaves well at school, has no academic problems, seems to be well liked. He's smart and funny and friendly. He's not violent. Other mothers have told me, unasked, that they think he's a good and polite kid.

So I keep thinking now, what if that disruptive boy in Téo's class was my son? I like to think I'm intelligent and capable, and that I'm firm in how I want to bring up my children... but if my own pretty easy kid can push me to the edge, leave me doubting myself and my parenting, what if I had a truly difficult child? Could I cope? Could I get him onto a better path? What if I didn't have the support of a husband? What if I had health or money problems as well?

I saw that other kid last night, with his mum, at a small concert in town. He and Téo started out sitting in the kids' row at the front. They both moved onto their mother's lap. To anyone observing, they were two 8-year old boys, same bright curious eyes, same loving mums. No difference at all.

It just drove home for me how I need to make more of an effort not just not to judge the other mother, but to defend her. She's not neglectful, and I'm pretty sure she's doing her best.

She could be me.