The upshot was that when I said for the sixth time, Téo put your pyjamas on NOW and added, or there will be no book tonight, well, I didn't say it very nicely.
Téo looked at me and said You know mummy, when I dream at night you are always only mean to me.
That would be the knife reference in the title of this post.
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I've taken on way too much work this year.
At first, it was because of the recession. I wasn't sure I would even have any work in the second half of the year when new, possibly drastically reduced budgets came into effect, so I took on pretty much everything that was offered. The result: long hours.
My fears about reduced budgets did not come true - I've been offered even more work in the second half of the year. And from new clients too, including a big one, that I felt it would be unwise to refuse.
So I accepted up to the very limit of what I could do... without realising until too late that Téo's school schedule would be very disruptive. And forgetting that projects always take longer than planned. So, more long hours.
All up, I have worked 49% more hours this year than last year. And the year's not even over yet.
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Clearly, these extra hours have to come from somewhere. And without fail, it's been from time with the kids. Instead of working 4 days as planned, I have worked 5 for pretty much the entire year. Instead of finishing at 4pm, I've been finishing at 5pm. And lately, I've worked weekends too.
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I want to work, I like to work. I like having the money, I like the recognition, I like doing something I'm good at, I don't want to step out of the workforce and find myself unable to get back in, should I really need to.
But I also want to be there for my kids. That is, after all, the whole reason I decided to work from home in the first place, and not work full-time.
I'm not balancing this at all well. And I'm wondering - why do I always seem to choose work over time with my children?
Even last Wednesday - which should be my day off, when for once I only worked in the morning and not all day - I couldn't even sit down for 10 minutes with Téo, who wanted to do a jigsaw puzzle. All I could see was washing to fold, a floor to vacuum, dinner to start.
- OK, I'll fold the clothes while you do it.
- No, do it with me!
-No, I can't, I need to fold the clothes, but I'll do it right next to you!
It took an attention-seeking tantrum from Lukan for me to finally get out of seeing, thinking, being work and instead sit on the floor and just play.
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I've resolved before to be better. But I really need to. I'm going to.
Because it's not just time together that's suffering, it's also my attention, my attitude. A stressed Emma is not very playful, or patient.
The kids forgive me now, but how long will it be before they resent my choices? How long until they only remember a mean, snappy mummy? Until they start to think I actually prefer work to them?
How long will it be until I can no longer forgive myself?
1 comment:
I great thought provoking post.
I almost always have something to consider after reading your posts.
I also snap sometimes, especially while preparing dinners. Why can't they just sit there and eat instead of provoking each other until the inevitable "Daddy XX just kicked me" and then the retaliation and the spiral down begins.
The solution was obvious but hadn't come to me probably because I am tired and stressed as well.
Now they sit apart separated by a chair and dinners are hoped to be more peaceful.
I love your posts Em...
Hang in there I think Parents have been stressed and tired since time began.
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