Will we or won't we?

Around the time Téo turned one, we started getting The Question. So when are you going to make him a little brother or sister? We were a little taken aback at how many people asked, including complete strangers. Well gee, you're right, we should get on to that immediately! If you'll just excuse us...

Lukan turns one in a couple of weeks, but we're not getting The Question this time. No, that's not quite true - a couple of people have asked if we'll try for a girl. I have quashed my sensitivity to real or imagined criticisms of the make up of our family and simply said I don't know.

Because I really don't.

Part of me is very very relieved to be over the baby stage - the total dependency of a newborn, the breastfeeding, the broken nights, the isolation, the crying. This part worries about money and long plane trips with three kids and how I'll find time to do everything I want, given that I can't manage it with just two kids. This part sighs, and thinks another two or three years is just too long to wait before we can do fun stuff as a family, like go snorkelling and ride on rollercoasters. And pregnancy was never my favourite state.

But.

Another part of me wants another child. This part can't quite believe I'll never again hold a tiny, slippery just-born baby. This part glosses over those lonely, hard first few months. This part sees the love we have for Téo and Lukan, the fun of seeing them grow, and wants more love and more fun (and ignores the increased potential for bickering and fighting). This part is also having a very hard time giving up on the other names we came up with before deciding on Lukan - like they'll be wasted if we don't use them. Because a cool name is all that having a child involves, right?

So I don't know. All I do know is that neither C nor I are willing to undergo any snipping or tying. We haven't gotten rid of the clothes Lukan's grown out of. And neither of us is insisting on contraception.

Don't get too excited by this - it took a monumental effort for us to conceive Téo, the embryo that didn't make it, and Lukan, and we are not making anywhere near this effort at the moment. Plus I think another miscarriage would end any thoughts about a third child. And the older and more independent Lukan gets, and the older I get too, the less I want to go back to the start.

But you never know.