The ol' switcher-poo

You know, Téo says at dinner, about 10 minutes after I went to bed last night, I heard... you know.

What? I ask.

You know. He lowers his voice. S-E-X.

The au pair kind of chokes on her food.

We were watching a movie, I explain. A romantic comedy I add, a trifle belatedly. I feel I need to strengthen the case to the au pair that we were not watching porn by giving the name of the film, only I've forgotten it in English and I suspect the French name - Sex Friends - won't help.

What exactly did you hear? I ask Téo, thinking that surely whatever can be heard in an American romantic comedy is pretty mild, and maybe he made a mistake.

You know. Push-push-push.

The au pair chokes a bit more. Oh good grief, why on earth did I ask?

Well, yes, that's why I sent you to bed, because I knew there'd be a sex scene.

Lukan pipes up. Is it fun to watch sex in a movie?

Holy crap.

Ahh, well, it can be.... ahhh...you'll find out when you're older.

I imagine it's very... he puts on what he thinks is a sexy pose... relaxin'.

Holy holy crap.

But mummy, I have a question for you. This is Téo again. How do you know how to do it? The first time?

Well, your body kind of just knows. It's ... instinctive.

He looks blank. We've already explained the basic mechanics so I know he's asking for more detailed information. Which, actually, I had planned on providing to both kids at some point... but now is not the time. I'm compelled to say something more, however.

You live in a farming village, haven't you seen animals having sex?

Mummy said it again! says Lukan delightedly - who's long been banned from saying "sexy" given it's his adjective of choice to describe himself,  which along with the sexy pose we find somewhat disturbing. Yipee! That means I can too! Sex! Sex! Sex!

Well, bees explode when they do it, says Téo. Males bees. Only the male ones. They explode. And do you know what rhinos do? They charge each other, head first. And hippos throw their poo.

Really? I ask. I didn't know that.

Yeah, says Téo, it was in my Science & Vie magazine one time. 

Sex, sex, sex! chirps Lukan unabated.

At this point the au pair excuses herself from the table.

I kind of want to verify the bee, rhino and hippo thing ... the iPad is right there... but then I remember a video I once saw. Nope, getting online is most definitely not going to help matters.

Huh, I say. Well, I'm pretty sure you won't explode. And you won't have to charge anyone, or throw poo ... unless you want to.

Never before have I been actually thankful for the conversational trump card that is poo.