So I recently read a book, "The Signature of all Things". And in this book were two children whose only apparent desire was to be good. To learn, and be good, and make their parents proud.

It was basically parenting porn. Terrible, trashy, parenting porn that you dismiss because it's so unbelievable, so ridiculously unlikely, but at the same time you wish - oh how desperately you wish - it was true. That you were like those parents, where a stern look or expression of disappointment would suffice to correct any slight misdemeanour. That your kids were like those kids, obedient and polite and good. Smart and good. God, I wish!

And not just because stern looks would be so much more pleasant than endless harping and occasional shouting - not to mention more pleasing to the vision I have of myself. But just imagine - one disapproving look, and your child does the right thing! What instant gratification! What wonderful self-satisfaction! And what heavenly peace of mind! No doubts, no worries, you are all right, your child is all right, all is just fine and dandy.

God, how I wish.

It's not that my kids are not smart, or never polite. It's not that they're not all right. But I am not always all right. Or even right. I never really understood the term "button pushing" before. I do now. And I hate that when the button is pushed, I respond the same unhelpful way, every time.

You broke your promise, one of them said in tears the other week. You said you wouldn't yell again, and you just did.

I did some filming at work last week, where I was "coached" by one of the leadership professors. I had to handle a conflict situation as a leader, which I failed at - quite naturally and without any prompting or acting. The professor then came in and did it a much better way... which was the point, of course, to show how it should be done, but it was a disheartening experience. I honestly did my best, I was trying to do it right dammit, and it was all wrong. My instincts were plain wrong.

So. Where does that leave my parenting instincts?

I asked the professor why it is that what we think is the right way to handle a conflict situation - what most people would do - is so wrong. We've evolved to be a cooperative species... why hasn't this included handling conflict more effectively?

He said we need to learn how to do it. We need the right role models, and most people have never been taught the skills.

Again, where does this leave my parenting? What scars and failed lessons am I giving my children?

I don't need my kids to always be good, always polite, always obedient. I do know how I'd like them to be though, and I know there's a couple of character and personality traits to overcome in order to get there. I'd like to know that we can actually help them with this. More than anything, I'd like to know how.

God, how I wish I was sure I knew how.