Gender confusion

So this week I heard about a family in Canada who aren't telling people the sex of their child.

My reaction was a complete wtf? How can you raise a genderless child? And why would you want to? Isn't it more empowering to identify as a particular sex/gender, but be confident enough to defy the conventions for that sex/gender, should you so wish? And also, good luck: I'm sure Lukan's current obsession with machine guns is innate and not because he knows - or because society has told him - he's a boy.

But then I actually read the article, and I understood the parents a bit better. They're not trying to raise a genderless child, they just don't want him/her immediately classified by sex. And they make a fair enough point that the way people talk to kids changes according to whether the kid is a girl or a boy.

I am guilty of this: I have called my boys little man and beautiful boy since they were born. Honestly, I don't really think this is a problem... but I realised that recently I have begun responding/correcting in a gender-specific way.

- You're very pretty in that dress mummy.

- Thank you sweetheart.

- Am I pretty in this shirt?

- Handsome, yes you are very handsome in your shirt.

Again, I don't think this is really the biggest social ill, but it does imply that boys and girls are different. Girls can be pilots and doctors, boys can be nurses and teachers (yes, I have had to have this conversation already), but they can only be pretty or handsome, respectively. Does this change our perceptions, our expectations? I'm not 100% convinced, and yet and yet... for girls at least, wouldn't the option of being handsome - which once was an adjective for women - rather than only beautiful take a lot of pressure off?

Then there's the issue of pink. Téo loves pink. Lukan likes it too. I am happy for them to wear pink, and indeed they have some pink clothes. It saddens me that Téo is already sensitive about pink, because he has been teased at school. We've talked about this, how it's not true that pink is only for girls and blue for boys, how he likes pink but I don't, how colours are for everyone.

But at the same time, I steer both kids away from girls' clothes when they are attracted to them. I even say, out loud, that they are for girls and not boys.

Yeah, that's not really fostering confidence to defy social conventions, is it?

Clearly, I'm not as progressive as I would like to believe. But even with this realisation, I don't see myself letting them choose Hello Kitty t-shirts and sparkly pink jeans. Or a dress. I can't honestly say why, I have no reasoned argument for how exactly this would be a bad idea (apart from teasing), but still, I don't see myself encouraging it.

And hair. Every now and again Téo says he'd like to have long hair. I am fine with this, and have told him so. I've even mentally patted myself on the back for not caring about hair stereotypes, for being cool. But then, also this week, I saw a picture of a 9-year-old boy with pink nail polish and long, long, long hair. He's the son of a blogger I really admire... but even admiring the mother and agreeing with her parenting, I wondered how comfortable I'd feel if that was my son.

Am I stunting my kids by not letting them explore gender more freely? Is my rigidity really better than the Canadian parents' approach?

Apart from the clothes, I do feel I have tried to teach my kids that gender is not restrictive, that many perceived gender differences are artificial. And if they insisted on wearing a dress, or pink nail polish, then I'm pretty sure I'd let them. But that's the thing: they'd have to insist, while if I had a daughter I'd offer such choices without thinking. I'd probably let her choose boys' clothes, too.

So from me, as well as from society, my kids get the message that boys and girls are different. Which they are, which they should be, which is something I most definitely do not think we should try to suppress. But I'm not sure I'm making it clear where that difference is something to celebrate, and where that difference should not exist at all.

Anyway, today Téo had to take a toothbrush to school. He has a new pink one, which he wanted to take.
I nearly encouraged him to take another one, a less tease-worthy yellow one, but stopped myself.

He likes pink. He shouldn't feel bad about it. He especially shouldn't feel bad about it from me. A very small step in the wider question of gender and identity and society, granted, but the least I can do is empower him in this.