On the right track

So there's a lot of articles and blogs out there giving an opinion on how to raise children. Never punish, never reward, because it teaches them you only love them when they're good. Encourage extensive role play as it's the only way to teach them to control their impulses. Practise benign neglect so that they learn to do things by themselves. Let them be free-range. Be a good enough parent, not a perfect one.

It's hardly surprising then that my parenting is a bit of a hodgepodge, a blending of ideas from different sources that fit into my general take on parenting. A take that, I admit, leans heavily towards what fits with my own personality and experiences, and a whole lot less heavily on sifting through the evidence for or against certain actions. A take that can also sometimes be a little contradictory in the details. Or change depending on my mood. Ahem.

So anyway, mostly I'm OK with this, but sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing, whether the haphazard path I'm dragging my children down will lead to where I want them to be: responsible, self-sufficient, realistic, thoughtful, able to speak up but also to listen, able to think critically and not just follow the crowd.

And every now and again, when someone describes something parents most definitely should not do in order to have children like this, and it's something I do do, well, I have a moment of worry.

Yesterday I read an article that got me wondering. And perhaps worrying. Do I coddle my kids too much?

You see, I have read several books that say you shouldn't deny what a kid is feeling, which makes sense to me. So, for example, I have always let my boys cry as long and as loudly as they want when they are hurt. I don't encourage the crying, but neither do I shush it. But my parents were more like the this author's parents - not as extreme, but definitely not pandering to minor scrapes, discomforts, or illnesses. And she went the other way with her own kids, and ended up regretting it.

So should I be harder on my kids? Because actually, like this author, I do think that having to tough things out as a kid made me stronger, made me better able to accept discomfort and nuisances as an adult. Made me aware that life is not always fair, or easy, and that I couldn't just expect to always get what I wanted.

And then I started thinking of Téo's reading lessons, which I am letting him do at his own slow pace. Am I giving him too much freedom here? Should I force him a bit more? Because even though I hated it at the time, I am now infinitely grateful that my father was so hard on my writing. He set me up for life. And his praise when I did write well - I don't remember thinking that he only loved me because I had done what he wanted, I remember feeling good about myself. It's not really wrong to praise is it? To expect certain things of our children and acknowledge it when they do them?

Worry worry worry.

Then this morning, Lukan was mucking up over breakfast. The New Regime means a zero-tolerance policy - either he eats when Téo and I eat, or he misses breakfast.

He missed breakfast.

There was much wailing.

As I put on his shoes, I explained (again) that if he didn't eat when we did, he wouldn't eat at all. That I was sorry he missed breakfast ... and then before I could say but tomorrow you can, Téo piped in with:

But that's life.

I guess that at least answers my worries about coddling.